missing

It’s been so long since I’ve written….what..has ..changed…?

  • still not in school(again)
  • Still married to someone who does not love me
  • still sad
  • still trying to hide it
  • still missing that which i cannot find

I think of my life now and i just wonder where it all went wrong….

can it be fixed?

…can i be fixed?

I’m tired of the heartache. i’m tired of struggling with everyday things that should be so simple.

 

tired

 

i believe in the self fulfilling prophecy. I believe in the ability to change ones “Fate” with the correct decisions, thoughts and actions. But i can’t change mine. Why do i continually find myself in the same situations over and over? I believe in sankofa…why is it so hard for my path to change?

what’s wrong with me?

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME????

i try. i try so hard to feel normal. to have the desire to live. to want to thrive. sometimes i actually believe i feel it…. but it never lasts… it never last. and i’m back to me. to the core of who i am. a sad broken woman who misses the mother she never had and can’t figure out life.

if i weren’t such a coward, i wouldn’t be here anymore. i’m tired of being tired but i supposed not tired of enough. what is the key to happiness? the long lasting happiness? cutting doesn’t bring me the relief it used to. nor do food sex drugs or alcohol. what other vices are there? what more can i do?

how much longer can i live like this…?

if  i left… would they care? do you care? 

my carefully constructed mask is all but destroyed. it took so long to put it together and most days, it takes more than i have to keep it from dissolving forever. something inside me is missing.