I’m an idiot. How stupid could I be to think that I actually found someone that cares for me and is genuine? How stupid could I be to let down my barriers and actually allow myself to truly feel? How fucking STUPID am I to let the same fucking thing happen AGAIN????
I’m done. Everyone is full of shit. Im better off alone.
Lost another friend today.
Negative. I decided to look the word up in the dictionary.
This is the definition that stood out to me the most. For the better part of my life I’ve been called negative. So much in fact, that my blood type of “B +” became a running joke.
Negative: lacking in constructiveness, helpful ness, optimism, cooperativeness or the like.
I can’t even begin to count the amount of tears my shoulders have soaked up, the pages worth of advice I’ve given, the suggestions and words of encouragement I’ve given people. It baffles me how ALL of that, EVERYTHING can completely be eclipsed and all that is seen of me is one big black shadow of negativity.
Now granted, my viewpoint of my own life borders on depressive and dismal on my bad days but I have good days where my hopes goals and dreams outshadow the bad. I have days where the things I want to accomplish push me forward and motivate me. Why is that nothing but the bad is remembered? I don’t know why I bother (there she goes with the negative thinking again).
Since I am so “lacking in constructiveness, helpfulness, optimism”, I’m just going to further retreat into myself. Its obvious that trying to be a complete person and having 100% of my emotions used is pointless. So fuck it.
I know. Negative right?
One of the worst things in the world to me is being ignored by someone I care about or love. I’ve always felt invisible or unimportant and so to be ignored…. Just makes me feel so less than. This year I’ve already lost one “friend”. She just stopped talking to me. And now? Someone else I care about is doing it too.
Clearly something is wrong with me. Everyone can’t be wrong. But why can’t people just tell me they’re done? I rather be cursed out and fussed at than made to feel like nothing.
My head is pounding and my jaw aches from having it clenched all day. Why?
Because I’ve been keeping quiet about all the dumb shit people have been doing to piss me off today. It’s just to the point now that I realize there’s no point in wasting my breath. No one listens. So. I’ll just sit here silent from now on. With all my aches.
I hate when I start to feel like this. My self esteem drops and I begin to feel like nothing I do is good enough. Feeling like this is why I prefer to be alone. There’s no reason to feel like you aren’t good enough if there’s no one around right? It’s always something little to set me off. Today it was being last. Last on everyone’s list. Caring when other people don’t care the same sucks. This is why emotions are dangerous for me. The actions and thoughts of others mean nothing if one does not feel.. I miss being empty. So many months, years, of blissful nothingness. This thawing of my heart & soul is reminding me why I locked them away initially.
is this worth it?
Time to go back into my shell for a few days.
I’m already starting to see how this week will be.. If I’m not careful
I’ll drop all the way up the bottom
I can’t afford to keep falling…
One day I might not get back up.
I need to decide if this is worth it. Even with me trying to be more open and honest and ….emotional with those who are slightly closer to me it’s still not enough. I can’t continue to allow myself to be this open and raw, only to have salt rubbed in. But for the moment, I know how to relieve my pain.
I realize I rarely feel the need to express myself when I’m in a good mood. Today is a good day.
For the most part.
Now here is an issue….I don’t know how to…accurately express myself when I’m not miserable.
Well… I guess I’ll figure it out eventually
Long sleepless nights.
I forgot about how insecure and small relationships make me feel. No wonder I’ve avoided them for 4 years. Add pretending to be okay with this relationship to my list of things to do.
As the days pass by, I feel myself becoming increasingly sad. I’m reverting into the me of old; cutting whenever an emotion poses to be too much for me. I find that I am remarkably incapable of being able to deal with most emotions. Everything is overwhelming. Add financial issues to that and you’ve got me: one giant ball of …this.
It never fails.
Every time I think I’m getting better, reality slaps me in the face with a big ol’ “Gotcha!”.
Whenever I go hang around people, family especially, I leave feeling more alone than ever. I tell myself that I like being by myself and I don’t need anyone but…I no longer know how true that statement is. As I get older I see everyone around me pairing off or multiplying. Happily surrounded.
And then there’s me. Just me.
I can’t open up to people because I KNOW everyone is going to leave, it’s just a matter of when. So why bother getting close to a future empty spot? Everyone leaves. Everyone. Just recently I lost one of the longest friendships I had. She moved away and told me that when she left, she left behind her life and the people down here. Because she is ” awakening “. Moving around a lot as a kid I didn’t have the luxury of having the same friends from pre-k to college. So the few people that I manage to hang onto, despite my craziness and hang ups, I cherish. It might not always seem like it, but I do.