One of the worst things in the world to me is being ignored by someone I care about or love. I’ve always felt invisible or unimportant and so to be ignored…. Just makes me feel so less than. This year I’ve already lost one “friend”. She just stopped talking to me. And now? Someone else I care about is doing it too.

Clearly something is wrong with me. Everyone can’t be wrong. But why can’t people just tell me they’re done? I rather be cursed out and fussed at than made to feel like nothing.

Insignificant

Nonexistent

Nothing

Mute

My head is pounding and my jaw aches from having it clenched all day. Why?
Because I’ve been keeping quiet about all the dumb shit people have been doing to piss me off today. It’s just to the point now that I realize there’s no point in wasting my breath. No one listens. So. I’ll just sit here silent from now on. With all my aches.

Feelings of inadequacy

I hate when I start to feel like this. My self esteem drops and I begin to feel like nothing I do is good enough. Feeling like this is why I prefer to be alone. There’s no reason to feel like you aren’t good enough if there’s no one around right? It’s always something little to set me off. Today it was being last. Last on everyone’s list. Caring when other people don’t care the same sucks. This is why emotions are dangerous for me. The actions and thoughts of others mean nothing if one does not feel.. I miss being empty. So many months, years, of blissful nothingness. This thawing of my heart & soul is reminding me why I locked them away initially.

is this worth it?

Time to go back into my shell for a few days.
I’m already starting to see how this week will be.. If I’m not careful
I’ll drop all the way up the bottom
And fall.

I can’t afford to keep falling…
One day I might not get back up.

I need to decide if this is worth it. Even with me trying to be more open and honest and ….emotional with those who are slightly closer to me it’s still not enough. I can’t continue to allow myself to be this open and raw, only to have salt rubbed in. But for the moment, I know how to relieve my pain.

In darkness

Huh

I realize I rarely feel the need to express myself when I’m in a good mood. Today is a good day.

For the most part.

Now here is an issue….I don’t know how to…accurately express myself when I’m not miserable.

Well… I guess I’ll figure it out eventually

Down

Long sleepless nights.
I forgot about how insecure and small relationships make me feel. No wonder I’ve avoided them for 4 years. Add pretending to be okay with this relationship to my list of things to do.

As the days pass by, I feel myself becoming increasingly sad. I’m reverting into the me of old; cutting whenever an emotion poses to be too much for me. I find that I am remarkably incapable of being able to deal with most emotions. Everything is overwhelming. Add financial issues to that and you’ve got me: one giant ball of …this.
Continue reading

Time and time again

It never fails.

Every time I think I’m getting better, reality slaps me in the face with a big ol’ “Gotcha!”.
Whenever I go hang around people, family especially, I leave feeling more alone than ever. I tell myself that I like being by myself and I don’t need anyone but…I no longer know how true that statement is. As I get older I see everyone around me pairing off or multiplying. Happily surrounded.

And then there’s me. Just me.

I can’t open up to people because I KNOW everyone is going to leave, it’s just a matter of when. So why bother getting close to a future empty spot? Everyone leaves. Everyone. Just recently I lost one of the longest friendships I had. She moved away and told me that when she left, she left behind her life and the people down here. Because she is ” awakening “. Moving around a lot as a kid I didn’t have the luxury of having the same friends from pre-k to college. So the few people that I manage to hang onto, despite my craziness and hang ups, I cherish. It might not always seem like it, but I do.

Mask

The problem with playing a role is having to keep it up. You have to remember everything to keep the act believable and avoid prying questions.

My whole life is just a role I play. I’m the bitch most people love to hate. I walk around like nothing bothers me(most days). I laugh, I smile. I give people what they want, the semblance of a semi happy person. But I’m not.

The real me is lonely, ugly, sad… So very sad. If I wasn’t so frightened of the unknown, I wouldn’t be here anymore. It’s easy to keep the role going when things in life are going good or at least close to

Mixed emotions

I think I said in a previous post that this blog would enable me to “find myself”. Those words were inaccurate… I know who I am. Without a doubt i am concrete in WHO I am. I know what I stand for and what I am against… What I need/must do is sort out how I FEEL. About myself, my family, friends–all that.
Emotions are dangerous for a person like me. They can (and have) send me into a long and lonely depressive state or high into the clouds of an elative sense of ” happiness “.

Finding a middle ground is a rare and exhaustive process for me.

Now is the time to start.

Now what?

Okay so …great. I’ve started this blog, made my intention for it clear and included a brief description of why it’s necessary. Now what…?

I have no freaking idea.

I always start these things. But never truly commit to keeping up with it. I’ll probably fall back into my well developed habit of avoidance. If you can’t see it then its not there right? There’s no problem..no issue, nothing to fix, no need to feel. Trying to break a habit is incredibly hard for me now. I’ve all but lost almost every ounce of self control (as evidenced by my exponentially expanding waistline) I once had. I don’t want to lie to myself and make a promise I can’t keep but I will try my hardest. The days of lying to myself are over.