I realize I rarely feel the need to express myself when I’m in a good mood. Today is a good day.
For the most part.
Now here is an issue….I don’t know how to…accurately express myself when I’m not miserable.
Well… I guess I’ll figure it out eventually
Long sleepless nights.
I forgot about how insecure and small relationships make me feel. No wonder I’ve avoided them for 4 years. Add pretending to be okay with this relationship to my list of things to do.
As the days pass by, I feel myself becoming increasingly sad. I’m reverting into the me of old; cutting whenever an emotion poses to be too much for me. I find that I am remarkably incapable of being able to deal with most emotions. Everything is overwhelming. Add financial issues to that and you’ve got me: one giant ball of …this.
It never fails.
Every time I think I’m getting better, reality slaps me in the face with a big ol’ “Gotcha!”.
Whenever I go hang around people, family especially, I leave feeling more alone than ever. I tell myself that I like being by myself and I don’t need anyone but…I no longer know how true that statement is. As I get older I see everyone around me pairing off or multiplying. Happily surrounded.
And then there’s me. Just me.
I can’t open up to people because I KNOW everyone is going to leave, it’s just a matter of when. So why bother getting close to a future empty spot? Everyone leaves. Everyone. Just recently I lost one of the longest friendships I had. She moved away and told me that when she left, she left behind her life and the people down here. Because she is ” awakening “. Moving around a lot as a kid I didn’t have the luxury of having the same friends from pre-k to college. So the few people that I manage to hang onto, despite my craziness and hang ups, I cherish. It might not always seem like it, but I do.
The problem with playing a role is having to keep it up. You have to remember everything to keep the act believable and avoid prying questions.
My whole life is just a role I play. I’m the bitch most people love to hate. I walk around like nothing bothers me(most days). I laugh, I smile. I give people what they want, the semblance of a semi happy person. But I’m not.
The real me is lonely, ugly, sad… So very sad. If I wasn’t so frightened of the unknown, I wouldn’t be here anymore. It’s easy to keep the role going when things in life are going good or at least close to