Mixed emotions

I think I said in a previous post that this blog would enable me to “find myself”. Those words were inaccurate… I know who I am. Without a doubt i am concrete in WHO I am. I know what I stand for and what I am against… What I need/must do is sort out how I FEEL. About myself, my family, friends–all that.
Emotions are dangerous for a person like me. They can (and have) send me into a long and lonely depressive state or high into the clouds of an elative sense of ” happiness “.

Finding a middle ground is a rare and exhaustive process for me.

Now is the time to start.

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Now what?

Okay so …great. I’ve started this blog, made my intention for it clear and included a brief description of why it’s necessary. Now what…?

I have no freaking idea.

I always start these things. But never truly commit to keeping up with it. I’ll probably fall back into my well developed habit of avoidance. If you can’t see it then its not there right? There’s no problem..no issue, nothing to fix, no need to feel. Trying to break a habit is incredibly hard for me now. I’ve all but lost almost every ounce of self control (as evidenced by my exponentially expanding waistline) I once had. I don’t want to lie to myself and make a promise I can’t keep but I will try my hardest. The days of lying to myself are over.

lost and found

It’s amazing how powerful the mind is.

I’ve spent the last two years in a state of blissful nothingness. Rarely feeling. But “happy”. At least that’s what I told myself. I’d been successful in putting all the painful thoughts and feelings into a chest and locked that chest away into the deep recesses of my subconscious. But in doing so, I also locked away a huge chunk of me. My inability to deal with the problems of my mind, my life, have caused me to also lose out on the best parts of me- my passions, loves, fears…..

I’ve been incomplete.

So. I found my old tumblr…. The sadness it evoked in me was something fierce… I haven’t felt that strongly in years. After over 10 years of various forms of avoidance, from cutting, eating disorders, drug and alcohol binges, it’s time I deal with everything dead on. I miss myself. I miss waking up everyday feeling passionate about things. In this anonymous blog, I will find myself again…peel away all the layers and open every lock. This is me…from the inside out