Goodbye

Flashes of red and black

The most toxic and unhealthy of all situations.

Trying to hang on to a burning,

crumbling chapter.

Black dots coruscate

Red lights flash

Failing

tearing

( Ending)

Done

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How?

How do you start by over doing the SAME SHIT?

How do you expect something to be better when NOTHING HAS CHANGED??

I’m just supposed to sit there and accept whatever bullshit right?

The fuck?

Try again nigga

Scorpio (Duex)

More into you than you’re into me. Again

Again??

Again.

Fell off into my feelings again, choking on the Nile.

You saw me. And left me. Drowning alone in a cold empty river.

And left me sinking drifting. Alone

Looking into my eyes

The worst kind of hope.

Again

AGAIN

I am deeper than you can survive

I am heavier than you can bear.

I saved myself.

Thank you.

what’s wrong with me? it has to be me

everyone can’t be wrong but i can’t change who i am

why do they all leave?

not just leave, destroy

demolish

hurt.

what’s wrong with me?

missing

It’s been so long since I’ve written….what..has ..changed…?

  • still not in school(again)
  • Still married to someone who does not love me
  • still sad
  • still trying to hide it
  • still missing that which i cannot find

I think of my life now and i just wonder where it all went wrong….

can it be fixed?

…can i be fixed?

I’m tired of the heartache. i’m tired of struggling with everyday things that should be so simple.

 

tired

 

i believe in the self fulfilling prophecy. I believe in the ability to change ones “Fate” with the correct decisions, thoughts and actions. But i can’t change mine. Why do i continually find myself in the same situations over and over? I believe in sankofa…why is it so hard for my path to change?

what’s wrong with me?

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME????

i try. i try so hard to feel normal. to have the desire to live. to want to thrive. sometimes i actually believe i feel it…. but it never lasts… it never last. and i’m back to me. to the core of who i am. a sad broken woman who misses the mother she never had and can’t figure out life.

if i weren’t such a coward, i wouldn’t be here anymore. i’m tired of being tired but i supposed not tired of enough. what is the key to happiness? the long lasting happiness? cutting doesn’t bring me the relief it used to. nor do food sex drugs or alcohol. what other vices are there? what more can i do?

how much longer can i live like this…?

if  i left… would they care? do you care? 

my carefully constructed mask is all but destroyed. it took so long to put it together and most days, it takes more than i have to keep it from dissolving forever. something inside me is missing. 

Foolhardy

Insanity

B. a foolish or senseless actionpolicy,statement, etc


At what point is it enough? I’ve tried.  Over & over.  I’ve tried to understand the reasoning, I’ve tried to compromise,  I’ve tried to evoke change by force.  

Nothing.

Has.

Worked. 

NOTHING. At what point does the continuousness of this cycle become insanity? The empty words,  the broken promises.

The LIES. 

I’m pretty sure it takes a special kind of person to be able to look someone directly in the face& lie. Just straight up lie. You lied when you said you loved me, you lied when you said your vows. You lied when you said it would Never Happen Again….but it did.

 With VanessaCrystalDominqueVanessaTheTinderBitchAdiyahCourtney..and on and on and on. And ON.

 How much more do I have to endure? What more can i do…?  You say you love me…until i find the craigslists ads and messages from bitch numero uno. In your old cracked phone. On the textfree app. 

Can I leave yet?

Why am I even here? 

Why are you here? 

I’m not rich or famous. I don’t live in a great big house & my credit sucks. You have no reason to stay….so why do you? You’ve proven over& over that they are more important to you than me. So… what is it? 

When is enough enough…?