For what

What’s the point? Why do I even fucking bother…?

Nothing.

Will.

Change.

Except me. You’ll lose me forever.

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what’s wrong with me? it has to be me

everyone can’t be wrong but i can’t change who i am

why do they all leave?

not just leave, destroy

demolish

hurt.

what’s wrong with me?

missing

It’s been so long since I’ve written….what..has ..changed…?

  • still not in school(again)
  • Still married to someone who does not love me
  • still sad
  • still trying to hide it
  • still missing that which i cannot find

I think of my life now and i just wonder where it all went wrong….

can it be fixed?

…can i be fixed?

I’m tired of the heartache. i’m tired of struggling with everyday things that should be so simple.

 

tired

 

i believe in the self fulfilling prophecy. I believe in the ability to change ones “Fate” with the correct decisions, thoughts and actions. But i can’t change mine. Why do i continually find myself in the same situations over and over? I believe in sankofa…why is it so hard for my path to change?

what’s wrong with me?

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME????

i try. i try so hard to feel normal. to have the desire to live. to want to thrive. sometimes i actually believe i feel it…. but it never lasts… it never last. and i’m back to me. to the core of who i am. a sad broken woman who misses the mother she never had and can’t figure out life.

if i weren’t such a coward, i wouldn’t be here anymore. i’m tired of being tired but i supposed not tired of enough. what is the key to happiness? the long lasting happiness? cutting doesn’t bring me the relief it used to. nor do food sex drugs or alcohol. what other vices are there? what more can i do?

how much longer can i live like this…?

if  i left… would they care? do you care? 

my carefully constructed mask is all but destroyed. it took so long to put it together and most days, it takes more than i have to keep it from dissolving forever. something inside me is missing. 

Foolhardy

Insanity

B. a foolish or senseless actionpolicy,statement, etc


At what point is it enough? I’ve tried.  Over & over.  I’ve tried to understand the reasoning, I’ve tried to compromise,  I’ve tried to evoke change by force.  

Nothing.

Has.

Worked. 

NOTHING. At what point does the continuousness of this cycle become insanity? The empty words,  the broken promises.

The LIES. 

I’m pretty sure it takes a special kind of person to be able to look someone directly in the face& lie. Just straight up lie. You lied when you said you loved me, you lied when you said your vows. You lied when you said it would Never Happen Again….but it did.

 With VanessaCrystalDominqueVanessaTheTinderBitchAdiyahCourtney..and on and on and on. And ON.

 How much more do I have to endure? What more can i do…?  You say you love me…until i find the craigslists ads and messages from bitch numero uno. In your old cracked phone. On the textfree app. 

Can I leave yet?

Why am I even here? 

Why are you here? 

I’m not rich or famous. I don’t live in a great big house & my credit sucks. You have no reason to stay….so why do you? You’ve proven over& over that they are more important to you than me. So… what is it? 

When is enough enough…?

It’s been over a year since I’ve written….so many updates. I’m married & miserable…still incapable of dealing with my ridiculous emotions. 
Guess less has changed than i thought. 

Duped

I’m an idiot. How stupid could I be to think that I actually found someone that cares for me and is genuine? How stupid could I be to let down my barriers and actually allow myself to truly feel? How fucking STUPID am I to let the same fucking thing happen AGAIN????

I’m done. Everyone is full of shit. Im better off alone.

Negative

Negative. I decided to look the word up in the dictionary.

image

This is the definition that stood out to me the most. For the better part of my life I’ve been called negative. So much in fact, that my blood type of “B +” became a running joke.

Negative: lacking in constructiveness, helpful ness, optimism, cooperativeness or the like.

I can’t even begin to count the amount of tears my shoulders have soaked up, the pages worth of advice I’ve given, the suggestions and words of encouragement I’ve given people. It baffles me how ALL of that, EVERYTHING can completely be eclipsed and all that is seen of me is one big black shadow of negativity.

Now granted, my viewpoint of my own life borders on depressive and dismal on my bad days but I have good days where my hopes goals and dreams outshadow the bad. I have days where the things I want to accomplish push me forward and motivate me. Why is that nothing but the bad is remembered? I don’t know why I bother (there she goes with the negative thinking again).

Since I am so “lacking in constructiveness, helpfulness, optimism”, I’m just going to further retreat into myself. Its obvious that trying to be a complete person and having 100% of my emotions used is pointless. So fuck it.

I know. Negative right?